I haven’t posted in a while but that doesn’t mean stuff hasn’t been going on!
Short version: I did not get pregnant during my January cycle.
Long version: January was the first month that I used a fertility monitor in conjunction with ovulation prediction tests and charting. My temps were a bit more erratic than previous cycles — I still had a normal cycle with a clear thermal shift but it was more up-and-down than usual. Hopefully, it was just an odd month and not indicative of declining fertility — only time will tell on that count!
On my ninth cycle day, I had a temp rise that looked like the beginning of an ovulation shift. It made me nervous and to my dismay, the next day it rose even higher. Shitshitshit! Was I really ovulating on CD10?! D and I had missed my fertile window the two previous months; I couldn’t believe we were missing it again! This was around 6:30a and I decided to make a move so we would have a chance — albeit a slim one — for the month of January.
So I crawled back into bed and stared at my deeply sleeping boyfriend. I tried to decide what to do: should I just start rubbing and kissing on him? Should I gently wake him up and explain what was going on? I decided on the former but every time I tried to make my move, he’d roll over or something. When did sex become so hard? After my gazillionth failed attempt to wake him up, he stumbled to his feet to go to the bathroom. Don’t mistake this for success — he practically sleep-walks to the bathroom when he needs to pee. When he got back into bed, I poked him lightly before he could transition from ‘Mostly Asleep’ to ‘Borderline Coma’.
Me: I know this is odd timing but could you give me some sweet loving?
Him: (groggily) I’m still feeling kind of sick. Tomorrow, okay? [He had been fighting a cold all week]
Me: Okay. It’s just that .. I was hoping we could try this month and tomorrow will be too late.
Suddenly, he was wide awake. He returned to the bathroom and after a few minutes, came back to bed.
Him: I’m sorry, I just can’t handle having a kid right now. I’m 41 and can barely take care of myself.
Tears immediately began to roll down my cheeks and I turned onto my side so he wouldn’t see. I HATE when people see me cry, even those closest too me. He kept apologizing, I kept telling him it was okay. Not that it actually was okay but I didn’t want to — I couldn’t — talk about things right then. He asked me if what he said made me not want to be with him any longer which broke my heart even further. When I knew that I could no longer keep my tears on the down low, I fled to the bedroom under the guise of getting ready for work. I got into the shower and cried quietly there while mentally telling myself to get it together. But I couldn’t so I left for work with red, puffy eyes and looking like hell.
Once there, I hunkered down at my desk and prayed no one would notice. I composed an email to D to get out the thoughts that my crying had held back.
I know you kind of wanted to talk this out a bit this morning but I would have just started bawling. I hate crying in front of people, even you, and it always ends up preventing me from getting my thoughts out because I just use all my energy willing myself to not cry. Which makes me cry more usually. Which then, in turn, makes me panic even further into OMGSTOPCRYINGWHATISWRONGWITHYOU territory and nothing I want/need to say has any hope of being verbalized at that point.
First I want to stress that I am crying because I am sad, not because I am upset. There’s a difference! I am not upset at/with you; I’m just sad that this isn’t going to happen. I’m sad for me. I’m sad for us. I’m sad for what could have been but probably isn’t going to be. And I will likely be sad for a while, probably tucked away underneath the surface but — word of warning — it might bubble up from time to time. I will have to go through a mourning period: having a family and being a mom is something I have always wanted and being with you made me look forward to it even more because I love you and was really looking forward to having a little family with you. I think we would have been pretty cool parents even with our messy lives.
..and it went on and on from there. I sent it off and immediately felt better. Still sad, sure, but better. Later in the day, I called him and he apologized for what happened that morning. He said that he was just startled, having been woken from a deep sleep with POW PUT A BABY IN ME before he even had a chance to wake up. He said to not count us out, that we were on the same page. He had met up with his closest friend for coffee that morning and I have a feeling that he helped D work all this out in his head and heart.
So baby-making was back on the table and the next day, my temperature was back down. I hadn’t ovulated after all! All that drama and angst for a false alarm! But I think it was good that it happened because that was a conversation we needed to have.
My fertility monitor gave me a peak on CD14 and my ovulation predictor test backed that up. We were able to get it on during my fertile window (FINALLY) but, despite this, no double-lines on the pregnancy test. That’s okay, though. I wasn’t expecting to get a positive and I was just happy that we managed to time things right that cycle.
My period rolled into town and I saw my OBGYN for some bloodwork. It took two labs and five pokes before they finally found a vein in my hand to get the seven vials of blood they needed. Now I am waiting for the results and I hope everything checks out alright. My doctor really, really wants to put me on Clomid. I’m not sure why though — other than my age — because I seem to be ovulating just fine. I don’t want to go to extraordinary lengths to make this happen but I am not opposed to taking a pill if it will help out a little. I just want to make sure it is the right pill.
I’m on CD7 and my fertility monitor has given me a high reading — it looks like I will ovulate early this month. I have already told D to get ready for a sex marathon. Fingers crossed!